Reflection on John 15:12

John 15:12 "I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you."

I am writing this the day after being turned down for a job I desperately wanted, and seriously believed that God would bless me with it. So I am trying to recover from the deep spiritual pain of bitter disappointment. I'm contemplating the verse above in the dim light of an aching heart.

We have a reversed set of values for our relationships with Jesus. When we find ourselves unloved by the world, we are unsurprised. In fact, we regard this lack of surprise as a healthy response, for it would be quite unhealthy to expect the World to love us.

In our Christian relationships, however, the expectation is rather different. We know that the above commandment is supposed to not be an option, and that not only must we be loving towards each other, but that God is going to be loving toward us. So, when we are disappointed in our expectation of how He is going to show His love, or how our Christian brothers and sisters show it, we are quite devastated. Well, I am, anyway.

I had a huge disappointment dealt to me not long ago by a Christian brother to whom I am very close. Denying me my wish was the last thing I expected him to do. I had asked him in state of firm belief, knowing that because he loved me, he would allow me to do what I wanted. In the moments that followed this devastating disappointment, I was naturally inclined to be hurt and angry, and was about to respond with harsh words and unforgiveness. But because we were in a public setting, I had to exercise some restraint and hold back, blink away the tears and calm down. In those few moments I decided to forgive him, and move on. Later in the evening, without giving any details, I asked some other friends to pray for me to have the strength to get over the hurt and disappointment, which they did with their usual grace and love.

This restraint is a new discipline I have had to learn over the years, because the consequences of "blowing up" have never been good. But I marvel now that I am able to do it so well, and can only surmise that it is the Spirit of Christ that strengthens me to do it, for before I had Him, I was never very successful in holding my temper in check.

It must also be His Spirit which enabled me to pretty much instantly forgive my friend. Before, in my "B.C." life, I would have turned away from my brother and refused to have anything more to do with him. He would have become persona non grata to me forever, and I would have held a hatred for him in my heart for many years.

So I have surprised myself by the choice I made to exercise Grace. That doesn't mean I have stopped hurting, but it does meant that I have not dissolved a relationship that is far more valuable to me that is getting my own way.

The situation I am faced with now is much the same, only the person who has disappointed me is God. Again I am faced with the choice to respond with hatred and anger, or with Grace. I am either going to turn away from Him and be separated from Him by the hurt and anger, or I am going to put aside the hurt and anger and forgive Him, thereby maintaining the most valuable relationship I have ever had.

Love is very much a "two-way street". Jesus never said "you love Me"; He said "I love you", and "I have loved you with an everlasting love". And just as the scripture says "We love each other as a result of his loving us first." 1 John 4:19, and further down "And God himself has commanded that we must love not only him but our Christian brothers and sisters, too." 1 John 4:21.
It is with unconditional, everlasting love that He loves us. "Unconditional love" means loving someone without conditions like "you must never hurt me/disappoint me/disobey me". To be like Him we must show that same unconditional love, not only to each other, but to Him. That means we must show forgiveness, even when He disappoints us, and when we disappoint each other.

Reflection on John 15:5

John 15:5 "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing."

Such a familiar scripture, and one I have usually taken such comfort in, satisfied that I had attained such a goal as "remaining" in Jesus. But today as I read it, I felt a brief stab of fear in my heart. What if am living apart from Him, but am unaware of it?

Lord! Show me the ways in which I might be living apart from you. I know that the world and the nature of daily life can distract and divert my attention. I am conscious of the risk of putting You in a compartment of my life, so please reveal to me, in the way You do so well, if I am doing that.

I was just thinking recently about how much my life and my heart has changed since I gave them both to You. Before that I had no purpose, and lived an aimless life, pleasing myself and not caring to, no... not brave enough to look to the future.

So now I have You, and I am a New Person. And I've been telling myself that my life has changed, but when I really consider that, I realize that I'm not living like it. The old habits persist still, and I'm still wandering, sometimes staggering through it, aimless and in a state of self-loathing. And I'm still not healed from the damage done in my former life. So, if nothing has changed in reality, am I really abiding in You?

And the question I've been asking myself lately is the same one I have always asked... what is my purpose?

Yes, I've done the Rick Warren stuff, and the Restoration courses, two or three times in fact. I've done Ancient Paths, and I've read so many books! I've been given enough Prayer Ministry to sink a battleship, let alone cut off 40+ years of unGodly soul-ties. So why haven't I changed? I am reassured and comforted by the fact that my next life is sorted out, but I am still perplexed and bewildered by what I'm supposed to be doing in this life.

When I opened my Journal this morning, a bit of loose paper fell out. I'd forgotten about it for so long, and it isn't dated, but it was something I wrote on the back of a form from my old job. I left that job in July '06, so this must be at least four years old, but could be as old as nine. But what I had written was clearly on the same issue that I am dealing with now... how do I abide in You?

This is what I wrote:

I said to God, "How can I make my will snap into line with Your Will? I hear You clearly enough in my spirit, and I know I must do what You say. Usually, I do it, but most times it takes me a while to start. What I want is to be obedient from the moment You speak.

"I know the things I do are keeping me prisoner. I need an epiphany, one of those experiences in my heart that cements Your will and mine... well... my will to Yours. Something so moving, deep and explosive that I will be changed forever."

Then I waited (expected) to have such an experience.

After a brief moment, that was like God was pausing for thought, I heard in my heart a quiet voice say:
"I love you."

Lord, please help me to receive Your love without reservation, and to allow that love to transform me and my life. Please help me, in my transformed state, to shine that love to the parts of the world that I dwell in, to the people I encounter, but most especially to myself. For I know that if I can love myself in a healthy, Godly way, I can be all that you meant me to be, living my life with a new purpose. And I know that my new purpose is not a "what" but a "who"... my purpose is to be like You.