Reflection on John 15:5

John 15:5 "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing."

Such a familiar scripture, and one I have usually taken such comfort in, satisfied that I had attained such a goal as "remaining" in Jesus. But today as I read it, I felt a brief stab of fear in my heart. What if am living apart from Him, but am unaware of it?

Lord! Show me the ways in which I might be living apart from you. I know that the world and the nature of daily life can distract and divert my attention. I am conscious of the risk of putting You in a compartment of my life, so please reveal to me, in the way You do so well, if I am doing that.

I was just thinking recently about how much my life and my heart has changed since I gave them both to You. Before that I had no purpose, and lived an aimless life, pleasing myself and not caring to, no... not brave enough to look to the future.

So now I have You, and I am a New Person. And I've been telling myself that my life has changed, but when I really consider that, I realize that I'm not living like it. The old habits persist still, and I'm still wandering, sometimes staggering through it, aimless and in a state of self-loathing. And I'm still not healed from the damage done in my former life. So, if nothing has changed in reality, am I really abiding in You?

And the question I've been asking myself lately is the same one I have always asked... what is my purpose?

Yes, I've done the Rick Warren stuff, and the Restoration courses, two or three times in fact. I've done Ancient Paths, and I've read so many books! I've been given enough Prayer Ministry to sink a battleship, let alone cut off 40+ years of unGodly soul-ties. So why haven't I changed? I am reassured and comforted by the fact that my next life is sorted out, but I am still perplexed and bewildered by what I'm supposed to be doing in this life.

When I opened my Journal this morning, a bit of loose paper fell out. I'd forgotten about it for so long, and it isn't dated, but it was something I wrote on the back of a form from my old job. I left that job in July '06, so this must be at least four years old, but could be as old as nine. But what I had written was clearly on the same issue that I am dealing with now... how do I abide in You?

This is what I wrote:

I said to God, "How can I make my will snap into line with Your Will? I hear You clearly enough in my spirit, and I know I must do what You say. Usually, I do it, but most times it takes me a while to start. What I want is to be obedient from the moment You speak.

"I know the things I do are keeping me prisoner. I need an epiphany, one of those experiences in my heart that cements Your will and mine... well... my will to Yours. Something so moving, deep and explosive that I will be changed forever."

Then I waited (expected) to have such an experience.

After a brief moment, that was like God was pausing for thought, I heard in my heart a quiet voice say:
"I love you."

Lord, please help me to receive Your love without reservation, and to allow that love to transform me and my life. Please help me, in my transformed state, to shine that love to the parts of the world that I dwell in, to the people I encounter, but most especially to myself. For I know that if I can love myself in a healthy, Godly way, I can be all that you meant me to be, living my life with a new purpose. And I know that my new purpose is not a "what" but a "who"... my purpose is to be like You.